A ventriloquist was driving through Texas when he has some car trouble near a small town. He pulled into the local service station and the mechanic said he could have the car fixed in about an hour.

So the guy was looking for some way to kill some time when he spotted a local rancher with some of his animals wandering walking towards a market. So the ventriloquist thinks to himself, "I can spend a little time having some fun with this guy."

He walks up to the rancher and says, "Sir, this is a mighty fine-looking horse ya got here. Do you mind if I ask him a few questions?" The rancher said, "But that horse can't talk..."

And the ventriloquist went around to the front of the horse and said, "How do you like living on the ranch? Then, in his best horse-voice, he made the horse appear to answer, "Its great, plenty of salt-licks and the works not too hard. They groom my mane every week, so I like it a lot."

The rancher was in total shock over his horse's new found voice when the ventriloquist said, "Mind if I ask your hound a question?"

The rancher stammered a bit and said, "But the dog... it don't talk..."

And so the man walked up to the dog and said, "How does this guy treat you?" "Oh," said the ventriloquist in his best dog-voice, "he's really nice. There's always food in my dish and he takes me hunting. Then his woman rubs my belly."

This confounded the Rancher and so the ventriloquist said, "Look, I don't want to take any more of your time, but before I go, do you mind if I ask your sheep a question?"

And the rancher said, "That sheep there is a big, fat liar!"

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, grind them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "You guys are wimps, I'm going home and screw the cat."

A man walked into a bar and immediately called out, "Who is the owner of that Saint Bernard tied up outside?" A man replied, "It's mine. Why do you ask?" The first man walked up to him and said, "I'm sorry, but my dog just killed your dog." The owner of the Saint Bernard was shocked, "Are you kidding me?! That dog is huge! He's bigger than my car!" The first guy explained, "Well, he choked on my Chihuahua..."

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog. A passer-by who'd seen everything remarked: "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did." "Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the ass."

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the hell," so he puts on a air of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"